Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work to have a successful relationship. My husband and I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary in a few months, and while we are in a great place relationally right now, it hasn’t always been that way. 

Around the time my 2nd daughter was born, my husband and I were going through a proverbial rough patch. We were both stressed because of working situations, we were right in the middle of COVID, money wasn’t growing on trees, and now we had another beautiful baby. Needless to say, our marriage was not thriving. We were not having productive conversations, we were nitpicking each other…it felt like we were just going through the motions of life, together but apart. We would talk about our concerns, things would get better for a few months, and then it would get worse again. It was turning into a vicious cycle, and it was disheartening and frustrating. 

Then, 2 years ago, we were attending church and during one of the sermons the pastor mentioned a new class that was coming up that was for marriages: new marriages, old marriages, healthy ones and those on the brink of divorce. My ears perked up at this, and as soon as we got home I got online to check it out. The church was offering a class called “The Marriage Course”, once a week, for several weeks. I had never attended a small group at church before, and I was nervous we would have to air our dirty laundry in front of total strangers, let alone fellow churchgoers. And if I was thinking that, I knew FOR SURE my husband would be thinking that, as well. I also knew if I asked him if he wanted to do it, he would probably say no, or something along the lines of “We don’t need that”, or “Why do we need to pay for something like that?”. So of course, I took a chance, and signed us up for it first, and then told my husband. Wouldn’t you know it…when I told him, he just looked at me in the eyes and said, “OK hun, if you want to do it, I’ll do it with you”. Thank you, Lord Almighty!

I have to say…this course was not what I thought it was going to be. It was better. We walked into a large room that had chairs separated into groups. We picked a group and sat down, and we were each handed a small book called a “Study Journal”. It is basically a workbook. We met the other couples around us, but then broke off into couples, and watched a video introducing Nicky and Sila, the authors of the book and the course, and then had the opportunity to work through the chapter with our partner. It was so wonderful being able to sit and talk to my husband, just one on one, about adult things. Just adult things in general. We learned so much in those several weeks, and some of the ideas that were presented in the course we still use today.

One of the ideas I love most is learning your partner’s love language. There are 5 love languages, and each person has the way they feel loved most. The categories are: Physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and receiving gifts. Once you know your partner’s love language, you can actively work on communicating with them in their primary category. For example, my husband’s primary love language is words of affirmation, and now I know that he loves to hear me tell him I’m proud of him, or he’s a great father and a wonderful husband.

Another idea my husband and I really took to heart was having a regular date night. This is something that is agreed upon by both parties, and can’t be changed without the approval of your partner. One of the hardest things to do when you have little kids is to get quality time with your spouse, one on one. During this course, one of the homework assignments was to schedule a date night and stick to it. Well, my husband and I decided, since we had a hard time getting someone to come watch the girls, and we didn’t want to pay to go out, we would do our date night at home. One night a week, we told the girls they would be going to bed early because it was mommy and daddy’s date night. We put them to bed early, bribed them to stay in their beds, and played games together. We made a “no phones allowed” policy, kept the TV off, and pulled out the deck of cards. I have to say, we ended up having so much fun together, and it was a wonderful feeling of just being a “wife”, instead of trying to be mother and wife at the same time. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids with all my heart! I just know that someday, they are going to grow up and leave my house, and it will be just me and my husband. I don’t want to wait until then to re-learn who he is, and who we are together. 

We also found it really helpful to practice “active listening”, especially when one of us is upset or has a lot on their mind. The key is to give the speaker a chance to do just that, speak, without interruption, until they feel they have said what they need to say. It is the listeners chance to then repeat back to the speaker what they thought they heard their spouse telling them. This is a great opportunity to seek clarity in the situation, and sometimes seeking clarity is what is really needed, because perhaps you both want the same thing, but one of you just isn’t communicating it effectively. 

The Marriage Course really helps provide the space and guidance needed to have some difficult and serious conversations, and the hosts, Nicky and Sila, are such wonderful communicators that it makes it easy to understand the concepts. Having the study journal is also a huge help, as it contains the workbook portion that you go over with your partner, and also provides some homework between sessions to help integrate the concepts into your daily life.

This course truly was a turning point in our marriage. We figured out that we still loved each other deeply, and ultimately we had the same goals for our lives and family, we just needed a more effective way to communicate, and to strengthen and maintain our connection. Now, 2 years later, I can say with confidence, even if we do hit a rough patch, I know we can work through it because of these lasting ideas and practical application to our everyday life. I highly recommend this course to anyone, no matter your belief system, because all in all, people are people and relationships are important to everyone.

To find out more about The Marriage Course, or where it might be offered near you, click on the link below!

https://www.themarriagecourse.org/