OK…I’m about to throw caution to the wind and tell you…I’m having a really hard time right now. We’re going through a difficult season with one of our children, and we’re at our wits end. The attitude, the behavior outbursts, the arguing…it’s happening Every. Single. Day. We’ve been talking to her teacher, we received a call from a school administrator, we’re talking to our pediatrician…we’re looking for professional assistance and an avenue that is best for our family and best for our daughter. But, friends…it is not easy. My husband and I are at a complete loss right now as to how to approach our child. There’s SOOOOOOO MUCHHHHH push back, physically and verbally. It’s difficult to know how to talk to her, how to engage with her, it’s hard to know what will set her off. And we can’t be push-overs. It’s not about winning an argument with her, it’s about holding the line on principles and discipline. It’s about teaching to respect others, whether it’s your peers or your authority figures. She is not spoiled. We do not say yes to everything. Yes, we take things away, we offer the proverbial “carrot”, we attempt to reason with her. Sometimes, everything improves nicely, other times, it doesn’t make a bit of difference. Friends, I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve cried in frustration the past few weeks. Frustration with her attitude, frustration with myself, frustration with the whole situation, frustration with God. I sit there and think, “God, what am I doing wrong?”, “God, there must be a reason for this”, “God, grant me the grace and patience to help her”. God, just let me help her. I’ve prayed endlessly lately; I’ve begged, I’ve cried out in desperation, I’ve cried out in anger, I’ve just flat out ugly cried, on my knees, with snot pouring out my nose and my hands lifted in complete abandon. And what did I hear, whispered in my heart? “Share your struggle”. Wait, WHAT?! SHARE MY STRUGGLE??? Are you kidding me, Lord? Share my struggle?? So I can look weak and humiliated and like a terrible parent? You want me to share the emotional and mental struggle of taking care of a child who throws physical tantrums, whose impulsive nature makes it difficult for her to control her body when she has any “big emotion”. This child…this baby girl, who I so lovingly held in my arms in the hospital so many short years ago…who drives me absolutely crazy because I don’t know how to help her…this child who, when she was dedicated, God whispered in my heart, that she was meant to be a leader and meant for great things… When I look at her little face, turned up to me in defiance, in a pose to challenge rather than submit, I can’t help but internally cry and admire, at the same time, her strong heart and mind. She is so intelligent, and she does have a heart for God. I can see it in her when she helps her sister, when she wants to say a prayer for someone or something, when she asks me to pray for her, when she wants to draw a picture for someone. She is growing and changing before my very eyes, and I just can’t continue this way and watch her little spirit, the essence that makes her who she is, be stripped away piece by beautifully crafted piece, because she doesn’t fit into a specific box of society. Because Culture tells us she has to act a certain way and fit into a certain box to be accepted. I admit it, yes, we need help in guiding her and providing her tools to help her understand her emotions and bodily needs. Yes, we are actively seeking help. 

I KNOW she is FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. I KNOW God has not given her a spirit of fear, but of POWER, and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND. I know the Holy Spirit is surrounding her with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I speak the Word over her constantly. She is cloaked in the Armor of God, she is loved by the Creator and she is His unfinished masterpiece. I also Believe she is a child of the Most High God, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  I Believe her name is written in the Book of Life and she was knit together in my womb for a purpose. I Believe she will stand up for injustice and righteously uphold the Word of God through His name. I Believe all things work together for our good, and the good, perfect and pleasing will of God. I Believe we may not understand why things happen the way they do, or for what purpose, but God has a plan for our lives, and if we walk the narrow road, we will find eternal life. 

To anyone who understands the struggle of parenthood, and not knowing if you’re doing the right thing, you have never been alone. To anyone who is currently struggling, you are not alone. To those who may face unknown struggles in the future, you will not be alone. 

Is this how I pictured motherhood when I found out I was pregnant? No, not exactly. Do I love my child any less because she is a little different than others her age? Absolutely not. I admire her heart, and her bravery. She knows when she is having a difficult time and voices it with heart-wrenching, tear-soaked honesty. She has admitted she doesn’t want to act this way, and that she just can’t help it. God, hear her outcry. Only You know her heart and mind. Give her strength. Surround her with Your love. Pour over her Your peace that transcends understanding, and let it seep into her very bones, that she might find solace in You.